THIS is what healing really looks like

When we think of healing, we usually see it as this:

When we think about healing, we often imagine it as a smooth, linear process—steadily improving over time. In reality, healing is much more unpredictable, with setbacks, obstacles, and moments that can feel like we're regressing rather than moving forward.

But I think there’s a better way to look at it, where you can actually find value in it and start to apply the lessons you learn into your life.

In reality, healing looks a lot like this:

Ok, let me explain…

Healing in itself isn’t close to being linear at all. Healing is very cyclical. We all have tendencies to cling to what we find most familiar and we’re afraid of making big jumps in our lives. Because of this, any type of change we go through is slow.

Realistically, we don’t always learn our lessons the first, second, or even fifth time around. Even if we leave a particular situation, we’ll often subconsciously find our way back to a similar one until we make the necessary changes. So we’ll stay in a cycle for as many times as we need until we’re at the point where we can apply these lessons to our lives and move on to the next cycle.

There’s always a moment in every cycle where we have the opportunity to break out of old patterns—this is what I call, The Jump. The Jump is designed to be uncomfortable because you’re actively going against what you’ve been doing and believing for so long (notice how the circles are going in opposite directions). Change is uncomfortable! And it’s in this step that we experience being uncomfortable as we start to put our awareness into action.

Here’s an example:

Circle One

When we’re in unhealthy relationships, it can be because of things like our low self-esteem, having a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries, being unclear on our values in relationships, having bad conflict resolution skills, or even that we’re subconsciously chasing after what’s familiar to what we experienced in our childhoods. These types of relationships can feel like rollercoasters where we’re constantly chasing the highs and the lows and this causes them to have a lack of the security that we need to have a healthy relationship.

Even if we know that these relationships aren’t good for us, without the inner work, we’ll keep going back to the same types of people and find ourselves in the same types of relationships. We tend to put on rose-colored glasses when we’re with them. All of those red flags that they have end up turning into a yellowy-orange, “maybe they didn’t mean it that way,” or a, “there’s probably a good reason for this,” kind of color. Because of this, we give people too many chances and stay in situations for longer than we should. *Cough, cough.* Yes, you know who I’m talking about.

The Jump

This is where we see how being aware isn't enough to create change. The Jump is where we start to set more solid boundaries and limit someone’s access to us if they keep disrespecting us. This is where we understand our self-worth and stop settling for the bare minimum. This is where we learn that unavailable people aren’t for us. This is where we learn that to experience change, we need to create change within ourselves first. We need to learn about our own patterns so we can create something different.

So you learned that when you’re upset, you use the silent treatment to prove a point because they should already know how you’re feeling? Well at this stage, now you know that communication should be direct and clear. In The Jump, you know that your original pattern is to go silent so now you make an extra effort to have difficult conversations upfront and not expect people to know how you’re feeling—even if you feel like it’s obvious. It’s at this stage that you’re starting to change your tone when approaching people who upset you because you now know that healthy conflict resolution is surrounded by returning to safety instead of arguing. The Jump is where you put all the lessons you’ve learned throughout your many trips around the specific cycle you’re in to good use.

Every time you loop around your lesson cycle into the position of The Jump, you’ll be faced with the decision of whether you’ll repeat the same patterns and loop around again, or if you’ll act differently, and move to the next cycle.

Circle Two

Being in circle two doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to be in that stage forever. Like I said, healing is very cyclical. And just because you learned the lessons you needed to escape the cycles of circle one, it doesn’t mean that you won’t need to touch up on previous lessons from time to time. This doesn’t mean that you’ll have to start from square one either. Most likely, you’ll have to approach the situations with all the new lessons and perspectives you picked up along the way. In the grand scheme of things, circle two might only be circle two out of two hundred. After all, healing is a lifelong journey. So try to keep an open mind and allow yourself to flow naturally through all the challenges you might face along the way as you keep evolving.

Here’s one more example:

Circle One:

When we’re people-pleasing, we have a deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment. Because of this, we’ll have a hard time saying no to people, we’ll take responsibility for other people’s emotions, and we’ll give in to people to keep the peace— even if this hurts us more. Expert people-pleasers want to be accepted so they’ll sacrifice themselves for validation and approval.

The Jump:

The Jump is where people pleasers MUST feel uncomfortable for a while to get to the next step in their journey. They have to learn to sit in the guilt they feel and allow themselves to possibly be seen as the bad guy to maintain a sense of stability within themselves and their boundaries.

People pleasers have to learn more about standing firm in what they say without budging because someone else is upset or affected by the boundaries that they set. Self-reassurance is a big step here!

Circle Two:

It’s in this circle that we finally got over the hump of feeling guilty and we can set and maintain the boundaries that we want to have in our relationships. We no longer feel guilty because we know that boundaries are for US and they’re designed to keep a healthy balance and distance in our relationships so everyone feels like they’re being fulfilled, based on our individual capacity to show up for each other.

Every cycle is different

Just because one cycle took you months or even years to get through, it doesn’t mean that the next one will be just as long too. How long you’re in a cycle is determined by how well you recognize your patterns and learn your lessons. We all have cycles that we’re living in and we all jump at our own pace. Sometimes we’ll have to repeat the same cycle for years until we finally learn our lessons, while at other times, we learn and advance through the cycle the first time.

I also want to emphasize that every cycle is different; some may feel repetitive, but they’re often opportunities for diving deeper into what we have to learn. Going back to old cycles doesn’t necessarily mean failure—it’s layered in growth, allowing you to approach the same challenges with new insight each time.

So why do we resist The Jump even when we know better?

I feel like a big theme of my posts recently has been about this. As humans, we’re naturally afraid of change and the unknown. We let the fears of failure and success hold us back and we get comfortable in where we’re at because it gives us this sense of safety and control, even at the expense of our deepest wishes. Rewiring our brains to take on new patterns takes time and effort and that can be really overwhelming!

But also, like I said, being aware isn't enough to create change. Awareness is only the first step of many things needed. I can break it down into four steps we go all through to learn anything:

1. You don’t know what you don’t know. You’re not aware (Circle One).

2. You’re aware, but you don’t have the skills to put this awareness to use yet (Circle One).

3. You’re good at it but only with a lot of effort. This is where you start to create change and go against the pattern (The Jump).

4. You’re good at it with little to no effort. You’re in a new cycle (Circle Two).

If we’re relying on awareness alone, we’ll never make progress. Knowing that you deserve better isn’t the same as believing you deserve better. There are steps in between: building trust in yourself, nurturing yourself where you fall short, showing up for yourself consistently, challenging old patterns and conditioning, getting clear on your new set of values—implementing them to align with your new way of life, and making conscious and direct efforts to improve.

Embracing the Process

I think the biggest takeaway from all of this is that you should try to hold as much space for yourself as you can. It’s a long journey and you’re bound to feel like you’re reverting to previous cycles from time to time. Keep in mind that this feeling doesn’t necessarily mean that you are though.

We’re designed to return to our baselines, to what’s familiar, especially in moments of stress or uncertainty. It’s a natural survival mechanism, but that doesn’t mean we’re stuck. Just because you find yourself repeating a behavior or pattern doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made. Growth isn’t about never slipping up again; it’s about noticing when you do and responding differently, even if it takes time. So, when those moments of self-doubt creep in, remember that revisiting old cycles is sometimes part of the process. The key is how you approach these moments—with compassion and self-awareness, not self-criticism.

Allow yourself to feel the discomfort and lean into it rather than resisting it. These are the moments where healing truly happens, where you integrate all the lessons you’ve learned. The more space you hold for yourself, the easier it becomes to navigate these cycles with grace and resilience, trusting that each turn of the cycle brings you closer to lasting change.

So I’ll end it off with some questions for you to reflect on:

• What cycles are you currently in?

• Where do you fall short? In what areas do you repeatedly notice patterns that hold you back? Dive Deeper: WHY?

• What actions does the future version of yourself take in their new cycle and how can you start to incorporate that into your journey today? What actions do you need to take to put your awareness to good use?