How to Stop Taking Things Personally 101

Master the art of letting go and find peace in a world full of opinions.

As human beings, we’re very good at taking things personally. But realistically, it’s never that black and white.

Someone treats us badly and we see it as a flaw within ourselves, we argue when people have a different viewpoint than us, and we cling to people with similar experiences because they validate our own. But our perspective is never the full story.

Maybe someone’s treating you badly because they’re in more pain than you are, maybe they’re arguing because their experiences tell them a different story, maybe they’re clinging to you because you validate their experiences too. 

There’s a special power in acknowledging your perspective and taking a step back and seeing the whole situation as it is—understanding that your perspective is valid and someone else’s can be at the same time as you. We’re all living based on our experiences, and that’s what makes us unique.

Sonder: the realization that everyone is living a life just as vivid and complex as your own.

This is what makes us as we are. This is part of the complexity that makes us human.

So how do we start to take things less personally? Well, I think it lies in a few important steps:

Get clear on what your values are:

Our values are the framework that we operate out of. If we don’t have a clear understanding of our values, then how are we supposed to know the limitations of what we’ll accept and not accept?

Our values are a foundation of “truths” that we use to guide us as we maneuver throughout our lives. If you value honesty, you’ll most likely try to be honest, even if it means that you have to deal with the consequences that come with that.

So if you know you value honesty, and someone comes along and tells you that you’re a dishonest person, it’ll contradict the “truth” that you hold yourself to. If you have a good understanding that you’re an honest person, you’ll find clarity in the fact that what they’re saying about you isn’t true. In turn, being clear on your values will protect you from taking things that aren’t accurate to the standards that you hold yourself to personally.

If someone disagrees with you, then it’ll simply be weighed as a disagreement and not as a definition of who you truly are.

Validate everything:

People disagreeing with you isn’t an attack on your identity; people having a different point of view doesn’t invalidate yours.

Multiple perspectives can be true. You can be a good person and be seen by someone else as a bad person. This doesn't have to be a defining moment for you. Who you are at your core might not align with who people experience you as—this is more than ok!

I think the hardest part of all of this is getting to a point where you just allow people to experience you as they do. How they might perceive you or experience you isn’t your responsibility to manage. It’s only your job to try and show up in a way that is true to yourself and doesn’t affect others negatively.

They don’t like your personality and want to avoid you? Let them.

They don’t respect how you handled a certain situation and go around telling everyone? Let them.

Their perspective doesn’t have to be yours. Yes, always be responsible in the ways that you treat others and be self-aware of how your actions might affect someone, but ground yourself where you stand. Trust that your perspective of yourself is enough. Validate how you feel, and keep your head up.

You are you and their perspective of you is their own thing to manage as they see fit.

Let go of control:

Unfortunately, you can’t ever control how other people will perceive you. You’ll most likely drain yourself trying to get everyone else to love you in the way that you want to be loved. What’s important is that you try to live up to the standards that you hold yourself to.

There are so many people who have had completely different experiences than you that lead their own decisions and perspectives of the world. You can’t ever please everyone. You’re bound to find someone who disagrees with you on a major issue.

One of the greatest lessons you can learn is to differentiate what it is that you can control and can’t control in this lifetime. You can’t control the weather, traffic on the way to work, what happens to you throughout the day, or even other people in general. All you can control is yourself and how you choose to react.

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With that being said, you’re more than whatever someone can ever describe you as. Realistically, you’re more than what you can even describe yourself as. So don’t let anyone try to label you or categorize you into being one thing so it can fit their narrative—they don't define you.

You’re complex, multifaceted, indescribable, a walking contradiction—nothing and everything all at once. If someone has a certain perspective of you, pause, breathe, and take a step back. Explore your values, and decide if their narrative truly matters to your journey.

The better you know yourself, the stronger your discernment will be, and the more resilient you’ll be to opinions that are different than yours. The more clear you are on your values, boundaries, and self-worth, the more outside judgment will lose its power over you.

At the end of the day, the most important story is the one you tell yourself. So, tell one that reflects your growth, your truth, and your limitless potential.