10 Lessons I'd Tell My Younger Self
As a 27-year-old.
Growing up, I was considered shy. I would go entire school days without talking so nobody, including my teachers, coaches, and classmates knew what my voice even sounded like. It was uncomfortable for me to be seen and I oftentimes tried to lay low to avoid attention, but unfortunately, I grew up in a fairly small town so everyone still knew who I was.
I was known everywhere as the kid who didn’t talk, and this brought a lot of attention to me. It was rare to hear me speak so everyone wanted to hear my voice. Whenever my teachers would call on me to read or answer a question, everyone would wait in anticipation to hear what I had to say. I could feel everyone's eyes shifting towards me. I could hear everyone whispering to each other. I could feel the weight of my breath getting heavier in my chest. My hands would start to sweat uncontrollably. I could feel my body tensing up, my heart pounding, thoughts racing.
Quickly, I’d think of the answers my teacher was looking for, but it seemed like my stressed brain already shut off a few minutes ago. All the answers that I once knew were now gone; I wouldn't even be able to count to twenty if I tried. So now I was stuck with an empty brain, and a classroom full of people eagerly waiting to hear me speak.
“Bryce, we’re waiting,” my teacher would say.
Silence echoed throughout the room.
It would take what seemed like minutes to get enough courage to speak and in that very moment I mustered up everything inside of me to give my answer, I’d open my mouth, push out every noise that I could, and nothing would come out.
It wouldn’t be until years later that I realized that what I was experiencing was social anxiety. I didn’t know anything about mental health, manifestation, or philosophy at the time. I didn’t know how to find clarity in the things that I was experiencing. I didn’t know how or where to start healing. There was only one hopeful thought that I held onto: there would be a future version of myself that had everything figured out. This version of me would be healing everything I was going through and was unsure about at the time.
In hindsight, I don’t think anyone has everything figured out. I certainly don't either. But I do know that after ten long years, I have had a lot of experiences to reflect on and learn different lessons from. I’m not the type of person who necessarily would want to go back to the past and change everything. I’m grateful and have come to accept what I’ve gone through so far. And in some weird butterfly effect type of way, I wouldn't be here writing this if I hadn't.
But if I had the opportunity to go back and tell the younger version of myself some lessons that I’ve learned, I would tell him this:
It’s OK to be unsure. You don’t need to have everything figured out. You just need to trust in yourself and know you can get to wherever you’re going:
As much as you want everything to be perfect and in your control, so you can feel a sense of safety, this approach can be pretty fragile sometimes. Once things go outside of the plan, this leaves a lot of room for anxiety. Yes, it’s more than ok to plan so you can get better results, but leave room for yourself to be human! Allow yourself to step out of your comfort zone and allow yourself to fail. What’s more important is trusting that you’re capable of great things and capable of adapting even if things don’t go to plan.
A lot of your answers can be found when you find stillness and give yourself the space to connect with yourself/your intuition:
One of the best things that I picked up during COVID was meditation. When the world stopped, so did I. For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to catch up to anything. I felt lost, but not in a lack of clarity type of way. Everything was shut down and there was literally nowhere to go. I felt lost in a self-reflective, meditative, “letting go of all expectations and attachments,” kind of way. It represented self-exploration and not needing to be found. I was bound by nothing and somehow felt tied to everything at the same time. I allowed myself to wander and explore without the need for an outcome. My fears of judgment and my expectations for a specific destination dissolved the more I would find stillness within. I realized that all of my answers were always there. I just needed to put the world on mute and listen.
Your emotions don’t have to be a prison. Validate them, just like how you need validation too, and allow them to become a friend.
We have so many different parts of ourselves and all they want from us is to be seen. When we don’t like how we feel, we tend to distract ourselves, self-sabotage, or hold everything in. We shame and invalidate ourselves into believing that we’re ok until the weight of everything becomes too heavy to carry. If we let it, it can become a cycle where we become stuck and overwhelmed. It doesn’t have to be this way. The moment we decide to stop intellectualizing everything and give ourselves permission to feel without judgment is the moment that we begin to feel a sense of freedom in our lives. The first step is to validate what you’re feeling and to invite it in as you would a friend.
Your emotions don’t have to be the final truth. Sometimes they cloud your judgment and can limit you. Make sure to take a step back to gain clarity and then act accordingly (regulate then respond).
A skill that you’ll soon learn is that there’s a big difference between invalidating your emotions and knowing when your emotions are clouding your judgment. When we get in relationships with people that aren’t necessarily good for us, we tend to put on rose-colored glasses. All of those red flags that they have end up turning into a yellowy-orange, “maybe they didn’t mean it that way,” or a, “there’s probably a good reason for this,” kind of color. Because of this, we give people too many chances and stay in situations for longer than we should.
When we’re angry, we tend to lash out and say things we don’t necessarily mean. We jump to conclusions and fit in narratives that fit into our perception of people that we don’t like, even if it’s not justified.
What I’m saying is… what you feel is valid AND it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the full truth. What we feel is a product of everything we’ve experienced or was unknowingly passed down to us. This is why it’s important to know when you need to take a step back from the situation you’re in and regulate before responding. Take the time to return your body and mind back to a sense of safety, then act accordingly in your decisions.
Standing up for yourself isn’t selfish. Your voice holds more power than you can imagine. You’ll soon grow to understand this.
Growing up as a people pleaser, I had a hard time saying no. I always felt this guilt behind standing up for myself and I didn’t have confidence in my voice. I would soon learn that speaking up on what you’re passionate about and what you feel is a form of self-care. It’s ok to stand up for yourself, even if it wasn’t safe to do so before.
Setting boundaries isn’t controlling. Real, healthy boundaries are meant to keep people in your life.
Boundaries, like forgiveness, aren’t about other people. It’s about returning the power back to you. It’s basically saying, “In order for this relationship to continue, I’m not willing to accept this anymore. Are you willing to meet me here too?” If they don’t, then they simply weren’t meant to be a part of your life. If they react negatively to it, it’s also not a reflection of you. Healthy boundaries are meant to set limits on what you’re willing to accept and not accept. They’re designed to open a space for the other person to be a part of your world, but not in a way that’s meant to control them.
One of your greatest strengths is adaptability. Also, know that healing takes time. It’ll most likely be slower than you prefer, so give yourself the time you need.
It’s been about ten years since I felt completely surrounded by social anxiety. I’ve been blessed enough to have my voice heard by so many amazing people and even be invited to use that same voice to speak on different stages and advocate for change. At this point in my life, I have the most trust in my voice than I’ve ever felt.
But some days, I feel like I haven’t actually healed. I still need a lot of time to recharge after social events and sometimes I get self-conscious about my voice and the way I say things. The further back I look, I can see the progress, but if I look to the most recent parts of my life it looks like not much has changed. The reality of it all is that change is very slow. If you’re looking to the recent past then you might not see change, but if you look back far enough you can see that you’ve traveled mountains.
Other people don’t have to understand why you do things. Your life is your own. You have the final say.
Self explanatory.
You don’t have to make your decisions immediately, but you should know when you’re contemplating for too long. You do well when you jump in before you’re ready.
I’m a HUGE perfectionist. Because of this, I tend to overanalyze and get stuck in analysis paralysis. I feel like I need to look for more information to make things perfect but ironically, the amount of information makes things less clear on where to start since there are so many options.
If you remember what I said in lesson #1, it’s ok to want to be prepared and you should oftentimes do the work to make sure you’re getting the best possible product. But know when your need for perfection is getting in your own way. You don’t need to wait to be ready because you’ll most likely never feel ready. You just have to jump in and allow yourself to be uncomfortable for a bit until you figure out that it wasn’t ever as scary as you thought it was.
(I also wrote a whole article on procrastination if you’re interested and you can read it here).
The right people won’t try to change you into someone that you’re not. They’ll enhance and accept who you already are.
Don’t let the world convince you that your people aren’t out there. Just like you, they’re putting in the work and healing all the different parts of themselves so they can live more fulfilling lives. You’ll know they’ll have space for you because they’ll have space for themselves as well. The same way that they show themselves compassion and try not to judge themselves will carry over to how they see you. Just hopefully you can do the work on yourself so you can be this person for them too!
These are only a select few lessons that I’ve learned throughout my healing journey so far. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the version of myself that I was ten years ago. I wouldn’t be here without the social anxiety or the self-doubt. These are all things that make up my life, even if it’s only a small part of it.
The more that I grow, I can’t help but think of the version of myself that would sit in my old room and daydream about the version of myself that I am now. Like I said, by no means do I know everything, but I have done a lot of work over the last ten years. So maybe in another ten years, I’ll be able to look back on the sixteen-year-old version of myself and be able to teach him more.
So here’s my question to you:
What lessons would you teach your younger self?
This was really solid Bryce, Goodwork and Thank You.
To my younger self,
1. It is okay to say no to whatever your heart, body or soul doesn't welcome wholly. Those meant for you will eventually come and you will find your own tribe.
Do not try to please others that you break yourself just to make them more comfortable, say no.
Regardless of how low or crooked it may sound at first, say it and with time it could be as good as that of the girl with the louding voice.
2. Forgive yourself for each time you betrayed yourself or felt you could have done better.
This is not to say embrace mediocrity, you have never been that. You carry so much beauty and special gifts.
For each time you fall, take note of the lessons, pick yourself up and walk, run, crawl whatever you can. It won't always be easy, there will be days you don't want to get out of bed.
On those days don't, lay there and breath but don't give up, live to get up another day and try again.
3. Your dreams are valid! No matter how crazy it looks, it will come to pass. Maybe not exactly as you pictured it but you're not alone and someone bigger is holding your hands and guiding you saying “ I got you baby, all things will work together for your good because I know the plans I have for you.
4. Don't let your fear of failure or change cause you to procrastinate for too long. In the end what will be will be, so why not try your best to be ready.
Follow your passion, do not conform to pressure but find constant ways to improve.
5. I wish you'd smile more genuinely and not put up that plastered well rehearsed smile of ours whenever we are in the midst of people. But don't worry too much, these things take time.
Soon enough you will fall in love with the sound of your voice, you will grow to trust yourself and your judgment, you would be firm in your beliefs and whenever your social battery is low, you will embrace it and spend happier days alone or with the people who make you smile genuinely.
6.I Love how you love Love and how you know how you want to be loved.
A soft gentle love that describes the love of Christ for the church, A man who loves the Lord, Himself and You.
A friend, a partner, a brother, a lover, a fellow movie lover, fellow unique date explorer, a man that makes you laugh, a man who priotizes everything concerning you, a man who knows how he should be loved, a man who's healing and understands your journey as well, a 1 cor 13:4-8 man, a man who wants to lead, one who loves to provide, a soft man, a man who sees the world through the eyes of an artist, a great father, a man who wants to live and loves love. Do not settle he is out there.
7. Ha Ha lucky number seven.
It's going to be really short.
“Stay true to yourself and know that you are not alone.” ~ Ufuoma B.A